As you know, I've been out of pocket for a week or two, trying to catch up on my life and business before the final push towards the master's degree. Just so you don't think I've been slacking, here is my take on things that have been giving me heartburn over the last two weeks.

Enjoy!

Wear a Cup

This is as good a place to start as any. Jesse Jackson, obviously in the throes of an irony bypass, suggested that (1) Barack Obama was "talking down to Black people" and (2) he deserved to have his nuts cut off. In his formulaic and lame apology ("if I said anything that offended...") he asked not to be a distraction from the real work of the party. You can watch the video here if you haven't seen it on an endless loop on Fox.

No problem there, Jesse. You haven't been a distraction for over a decade--about the time you were photographed with embattled President Clinton...and your mistress...your pregnant mistress...after offering counseling (I suppose) and support (how the...?) to the president in what came to be known at MonicaGate but would have better been termed PenisGate.

Besides, what alternative universe are you visiting from to have taken offense at Senator Obama's Father's Day speech? Telling people to take responsibility for your fertility, children and lives shouldn't do anything more than raise praise--certainly not ire. Oh, that is until we get knotted up in the "don't tell all of our business on the street" thang. Clue to you, Reverend. White people know that there are elements of the Black community that are out of control. They also know that many of us are just as nauseated by them as anybody else.

HuffPo writer and screenwriter, John Ridley, rightly pointed out what I had been thinking: If any white man had suggested that an appropriate course of action against a Black man who had stepped "off the plantation" was emasculation, there would have been riots in the streets.

I'm still waiting on my front yard with a brick, looking for somewhere to toss it as the revolution begins. Instead, I think I'll just mail Operation Rainbow Push some Mountain Oysters. If Jesse wants nuts, I think he should have them.

Word to the wise, though: if you don't have something nice to say about Black people, invest in a codpiece.

You're Not Funny. Get Barack!

Ever notice how white women and Black men have been, seemingly, losing their little rabbit minds? Geraldine Ferraro suggested that Barack Obama was "lucky" to be black with Barack Obama as his given name (my first name is Hindu and my last, Hebraic--that must make me one lucky Black chica). Bob Johnson (who gave us the very worst channel on television, BET--Black Exploitation Television) guffawed at Senator Obama's reported drug transgressions, calling him unfit to serve...anywhere. South Carolina Senator Robert Ford, suggested that Senator Obama would drag down the ticket because he is a Black man.

Now Bernie Mac, known for his cute television program, "The Bernie Mac Show," got the hook from Senator Obama himself after being heckled during a $2,300 per person fundraiser for not being funny. Here's a taste: "My little nephew came to me and he said, 'Uncle, what's the difference between a hypothetical question and a realistic question?'" Mac said. "I said, I don't know, but I said, 'Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd make love to the mailman for $50,000.'"

Yup. That's about where Senator O came and helped Mr. Mac off the stage. Just as the crowd started yelling that his joke was offensive to women.

I'm just waiting to see where and how the next manifestation of Black or white, liberal ill will shows itself.

And I think I'll hang onto my rock.

Big Girl Panties

Still in a collective huff over Senator Clinton's withdrawal from the presidential race, we are to believe that hoards of women will cast a protest ballot for Senator McCain come November.

Let's be clear here: we're not talking about Black women, who would gnaw off their own arms at the wrist before casting a protest vote for anybody. We worked too long and suffered too greatly to waste our legacy on spite--no thanks to the suffragettes who, even after being spanked by Sojourner Truth, still didn't get that we were women, too.

In my estimation, it's time for them to put on their big girl panties and woman-up. We, of the melanin-enhanced, have long considered what we would do if first Hillary and then Barack lost. Voting for McCain never made that list.

Ever.

A Mental What?

Economist and former Senator, Phil Gramm, suggested that we're a nation of whiners locked in a mental recession.

I think he's right. Spend a few minutes at a gas station listening to drivers of petrol pigs complain about how much a gallon of gas is and then surf over to check out a gallon of go-juice in London.

We are whiners. It just wasn't politic of him to say so.

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